Sneaky Invalidation: Are You Unintentionally Shutting Down Your Child?
In our blog post last week, we discussed the topic of validation and why it's important in relationships. This week, we’ll be digging a bit more into invalidation—specifically, the sneaky ways it can show up in our interactions with our children.
As parents, we all want our children to feel loved, heard, and supported. But sometimes, without even realizing it, we may be invalidating their thoughts and emotions in subtle ways. These "sneaky" forms of invalidation can have a significant impact on a child's emotional well-being and their sense of security within their relationships. Let’s take a closer look at what sneaky invalidation is, how to recognize it, and how to shift toward validation instead.
What Is Sneaky Invalidation?
Invalidation happens when a child's feelings, thoughts, or experiences are dismissed, ignored, or minimized. While outright invalidation can be easier at times to recognize (e.g., saying "stop being so dramatic" or "that's nothing to be upset about"), sneaky invalidation can be more subtle and can show up in ways we don’t even realize, such as:
Heavy sighs when they express frustration
Eye rolling when they share their thoughts
Scoffing or smirking at their concerns
A dismissive tone of voice
Facial expressions or micro-expressions that communicate annoyance or disbelief
Turning away or leaving the conversation when they try to talk
Being on your phone while they are trying to speak to you
Insisting that you are right without hearing them out
Not making space for their ideas or shutting down their input
Laughing when they share something that feels important to them
Shutting down their questions with "because I said so" or "just trust me"
Though these responses may seem minor, over time, they can make children feel like their emotions and perspectives don’t matter.
How Invalidation Impacts Children and Teens
When children and teens consistently experience invalidation, it can affect them in several ways:
Emotional distress: They may feel confused about their own emotions or start believing their feelings are "wrong."
Insecurity in relationships: If they feel dismissed at home, they may struggle to trust others or express themselves in friendships and future relationships.
Low self-esteem: They may begin to doubt their own judgment and feel like they don’t deserve to be heard.
Increased frustration or outbursts: If they feel unheard, they may resort to yelling or shutting down altogether.
Recognizing Invalidation Patterns
Many of us parent in ways that mirror how we were raised. If we grew up experiencing invalidation, we might unknowingly repeat these patterns with our own children. The good news? Once we recognize these habits, we can shift toward more validating responses.
Some signs that you may be invalidating your child include:
Feeling frustrated when they express emotions you don’t understand
Frequently telling them to "calm down" or "get over it"
Dismissing their experiences as "not a big deal"
Relying on sarcasm or jokes when they try to share something serious
Feeling uncomfortable when they express negative emotions
Shifting Toward Validation
Validation doesn’t mean agreeing with your child’s choices or emotions—it simply means acknowledging and accepting their feelings as real and important. Here are some ways to offer validation:
Affirm their perspective: “I can see why that was upsetting for you.”
Try to understand their feelings: “That sounds really frustrating. Want to talk about it?”
Listen without judgment: Give them your full attention and resist the urge to correct or minimize their feelings.
Make time and space for them: Let them know they are welcome to share with you anytime.
Example of Validation in Action
Imagine your child comes home from school, and when you ask how their day was, they snap, "Leave me alone!"
Of course, yelling isn’t acceptable, but instead of immediately disciplining, try validating their emotions first:
Validation: "It seems like you're really upset. I wonder if something happened today?" (This acknowledges their feelings and invites them to share.)
Understanding and comfort: Give them space to express themselves and let them know you care.
Address the behavior later: "I’m here for you whenever you have a bad day, and I love you. And, it’s not okay to yell at people even when we’re upset. Can we find another way together for you to tell me you had a bad day instead of yelling? What do you think?"
Final Thoughts
Recognizing sneaky invalidation is the first step toward breaking the cycle. By making small shifts, we can foster a more open, supportive environment where our children feel safe to express themselves. When children feel validated, they develop stronger emotional regulation, healthier relationships, and greater self-confidence.
So next time your child shares something—even if it seems small—pause, listen, and validate. It’s a simple yet powerful way to strengthen your bond and support their emotional growth.