Co-Regulation: A Lifelong Foundation for Emotional Well-Being
As a therapist, I often emphasize that emotional regulation is not something we are born with—it is something we learn through our relationships with others. Co-regulation, the process of helping another person manage their emotions through presence, support, and example, is a fundamental skill that lasts well beyond childhood. It is essential not only for young children but for adolescents, young adults, and even in our adult relationships.
What is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the process by which we help others manage their emotions through our own calm, supportive presence. It starts in infancy—when caregivers rock a crying baby, hum a soothing tune, or gently rub their back to help them settle. Through these interactions, infants learn that emotions can be contained and soothed within a relationship. However, co-regulation remains crucial beyond early childhood, and is the cornerstone of helping children, teens, and even adults navigate overwhelming emotions. Whether it’s helping a teenager process academic stress or providing emotional support to a partner, co-regulation fosters emotional resilience and healthy relationships throughout life.
Why is Co-Regulation Important?
Emotional regulation is built through repeated experiences of co-regulation. Children and teens who have consistent emotional support learn to develop their own self-regulation skills over time. But even as adults, we still rely on others to help us regulate—whether it’s through a comforting conversation, a hug from a loved one, or simply the presence of a supportive friend.
The way we experience co-regulation growing up plays a significant role in how we manage stress, relationships, and mental health throughout our lives. If children and young adults do not receive consistent co-regulation, they may struggle with self-regulation and emotional resilience in adulthood.
Co-Regulation in Adolescence and Adulthood
While we often think of co-regulation as something that happens in early childhood, it remains essential through adolescence and even adulthood. Teenagers, for example, often struggle with emotional intensity and still require a calm, steady presence from parents, teachers, or mentors. Young adults, as they navigate major life transitions, also benefit from co-regulation, whether it’s from a parent, a therapist, or a close friend.
Even in adult relationships, co-regulation plays a role. When a partner is distressed, our ability to remain regulated and present can help them move through their emotions more effectively. Strong relationships are built on the foundation of mutual co-regulation, where both partners support each other’s emotional well-being.
Understanding Emotional Needs Behind Behavior
Emotional dysregulation often manifests as challenging behaviors, especially in children and teenagers. For instance, if a teenager lashes out after being asked to do a chore, it might not just be about defiance—it could be about feeling overwhelmed, unheard, or emotionally dysregulated.
Instead of reacting with frustration, a co-regulation approach might look like this:
Regulate Yourself First – Take a deep breath and remind yourself that their reaction is not personal.
Stay Present and Attuned – Keep your body language open and non-threatening.
Validate Their Feelings – “I can see that you’re really frustrated right now. That makes sense.”
Offer Emotional Support – “Do you want to take a break before we talk about this?”
Provide a Co-Regulation Strategy – “Let’s take some deep breaths together, and then we can figure out what’s going on.”
Why is “Regulate Yourself First” so Important?
One of the most crucial aspects of co-regulation is the ability to regulate yourself first. If we are overwhelmed, frustrated, or emotionally flooded, it becomes difficult to provide the stability and containment someone else may need. This is especially important for parents, therapists, and partners alike.
How to Regulate Yourself When You’re Escalated
Before helping someone else, it’s important to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
What am I feeling right now?
Am I in a place where I can provide calm, supportive guidance?
Do I need a moment to step away and regulate myself first?
Taking a pause is not only okay—it’s necessary. Some ways to self-regulate include:
Taking deep breaths (box breathing: inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4)
Stepping into another room for a moment of quiet
Practicing grounding techniques (naming 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, etc.)
Using a mantra like “I am safe. They are safe. We will work through this.”
Methods of Co-Regulation
Once you have grounded yourself, you can step into your role as a co-regulator. Some effective strategies include:
Validation: Acknowledge their feelings without judgment. “I see that you’re really upset right now. It’s okay to feel this way.”
Physical Presence: If they allow it, a hug or a hand on their back can be incredibly grounding.
Modeling Calmness: Speak slowly, keep your tone gentle, and show them how to take deep breaths.
Helping Them Name Their Emotions: “It sounds like you’re feeling really frustrated because of the situation. That makes a lot of sense.”
Offering a Co-Regulation Tool: Encourage them to squeeze a stress ball, stomp their feet, or take a few deep breaths together.
Final Thoughts
Co-regulation is not just a parenting tool—it is a lifelong skill that strengthens our emotional resilience and deepens our relationships. Whether supporting a child, a teenager, a partner, or even a friend, the ability to regulate ourselves and offer a calming presence to others is fundamental to emotional well-being.
By embracing co-regulation, we are fostering a world where emotions are seen as safe, manageable, and best navigated together.